“How can I repay the Lord for all the great good done for me?” Psalm 116:12
I sit here while I watch my baby boy sleep and with my heart filled with gratitude I try to write some words to best describe 2018, the best year of my life so far. Usually words come easy to me (not in English though), but when I think of the events of this year I become speechless.
For many years, over half a decade, my husband Greg and I have been praying, begging the Lord to bless us with a child. I still remember it clearly that on our wedding night we prayed: “Lord, gives us a baby!”. That prayer were repeated countless times and many people from around the world joined us as we kept petitioning before Him. Still, year after year, my womb was empty.
After one year of trying on our own, our marathon of doctor visits, tests and medications started. We saw local doctors, we drove far to see them, I consulted with a few I knew in Brazil… I read articles, I researched and again and again I begged before God. Nothing was working…
One day, totally unexpectedly I saw those 2 lines I had hoped for every day! I was pregnant and I couldn’t believe it!!! We rejoiced, we bought a stuffed animal or two, and we got so excited when it was time to see our baby on an ultrasound for the 1st time. I close my eyes and I can still feel the pain of hearing the doctor say “I’m sorry, we can’t find a heartbeat”. That day was one of the worst of my life. How could I love someone that small so much and miss a baby I didn’t even had a chance to hold? I had some tough days ahead of me… depression knocked on my door and stayed for awhile.
A few months after, I wrote down the promises of God to me and I taped them on my door, where I could see it every single day. That simple gesture brought peace and hope back to my heart, it healed me and gave me strength to keep going, keep praying for my miracle to happen.
A few years more had come and gone and still no baby. I was almost giving up, but somehow I heard God saying “wait, help is coming!”. I faithfully waited for a little longer until I was very close to my breaking point. I was losing sight of the promises God had for me, I was entering a place of bitterness and resentment. I was so close to throwing in the towel. I never doubted the existence of God, but started thinking that He didn’t love or care for me.
So, after not going to Brazil to visit my family for awhile because of the outbreak of Zika (not recommended when trying to conceive), I was sure that my turn to become a mother would never arrive, and I decided to pack and go. Greg and I visited a state that was very high in cases of Zika, but I didn’t care, because in my mind I would never get pregnant. We enjoyed our time with our family and friends, and deeply within me, that sadness wouldn’t leave. The sadness of a woman who was losing hope.
We came back to the US after our trip, and as many many times before, I took a pregnancy test just so I could relax and my period would come. When I peaked at it and I saw “PREGNANT +3”, I started crying like crazy, and ran through the house screaming. I fell in the hallway where Greg, looking a little lost, was trying to help me. I was so certain the test was wrong… I was crying because in my mind it was a trick, someone was messing with me.
I told Greg I needed to go to the pharmacy and get another test because I was sure the entire lot of the tests I had at home were defective. It was almost 10 PM and off we were to CVS to find a different pregnancy test. We got home and there it was, TWO strong pink lines that would change my life forever!!!
I was so so so happy! A little bit scared, I’m not gonna lie… but happy!!! I called the doctor the next morning and it all started, the happy marathon of doctor’s visits this time. Test after test my levels were doubling. We saw a little “dot” on the monitor and this time, the greatest sound of a little heart, beating strong, filled the room. I cry writing this as I remember that day. My baby was alive inside of me. My miracle baby!!! I was finally going to have a baby!!!
Even though I had an amazing doctor, his face showed how shocked he was. After all, every single doctor we saw said the same thing: you will never be able to conceive naturally. Yet, GOD DID IT! When I least deserved it, when I was losing hope, when I started to doubt His love for me. HE DID IT! The Lord taught me that His love is totally unconditional… it doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do, He’s there loving me every step of the way.
2018 was the year we welcomed our miracle baby boy into this world. Theodore Clark Tomlinson was born on February 19th of 2018 after a not so easy pregnancy and delivery. He is a reminder that God still does miracles. He reminds me everyday how much God cares for us.
If you are still waiting for a miracle, don’t give up. I don’t know what you are waiting for but I can tell you, God is faithful and powerful to change your situation. Keep praying, keep asking. And know that He is always caring for you, even when you can’t see it or feel it!
Phone Picture: Our 1st Picture as a family of 3! I look awful, but this image means the world to me!
I wish you a wonderful 2019! A year filled with joy and dreams come true!!!!
Many blessing,
Juliana
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